World At War!

Posted by Scott Bannon

Stingrays determined to eliminate mankind

198 pound stingray

We people have always accepted certain risks when entering the Oceans. It’s not our turf and some marine inhabitants have taken exceptions with our intrusive tourism over the years. However, for the most part we’ve had a fairly safe, albeit delicate, relationship with them of don’t bother me and I won’t bother you.

The tides have changed though. It’s become evident after yesterday’s news carried the tale of one stingray trooper who boarded a poor Florida man’s boat unprovoked and viciously attacked the peaceful 81 year old.

Obviously war has been declared against land-walkers. This is global–the Earth is two-thirds water after all–and we have a decision to make.

Will we sink or swim against this abyssal assault? It is our very existence that is being challenged. Our resolve must be resolute.

One water non-enthusiast said, “The attack today was a suicide barbing, meant to instill fear and uncertainty worldwide. If we don’t continue to live the aquatic life–to boat, parasail, surf, fish and boogie-board our asses off–the stingrays will have already won.”

These stingrays, and I personally believe they’re secretly backed by those pesky Dolphins–we all know how upset they became over the no-strike clause in their last Sea World contract–present a clear and present danger to Americans and non-American Americans everywhere. We must stand united, together even, perhaps all learn synchronized swimming so we may take the fight to them, and face this threat head on.

The fate of humanity is at stake. We can not allow these thalassic ecoterrorists to continue their malicious and calculated attacks any longer.

One unpatriotic dissenter has suggested that we attacked first, claiming that our dumping of toxins into the air has raised the global temperature and caused millions of gallons of fresh water to melt from the polar caps into the oceans, diluting the salt-water needed to survive by our enemies.

People, wise up. We’re in the fight of our lives and some folks wish to aid and embolden our enemy with a blame humanity first attitude. Even if this grand conspiracy theory were true isn’t it our right to do as we please? Sure, our amphibious opponents rule two-thirds of the planet, but we are clearly superior to them–proven by the fact that we took the good third.

Now is the time. We’ll sink or swim, stand or fall, and win one against the flippers!